This can lead you to settle for just about anything that nibbles, or stay hooked on the catch-and-release method in hopes to attract bigger, better fish. In a mental state of desperately hoping and wanting success, you soon realize the bigger picture: you are one of many fish in the big pond to someone else. The problem is when you begin to question your worth, lose sight of yourself and what you want, and begin to alter your values, standards, and expectations in order to increase your chances of success.

I understand this difference — I really do — in moderation. Nice somehow means passive, bland , easy, and weak. Those butterfly feelings are so overrated, anyway. I mean, have you SEEN how those things fly?! The dating focus is no longer about genuine connection or integrity. Most people are artists these days — always trying to paint or mimic this ideal image of who they need or want someone to be in order to match their energy or emotional environment.

Some have been deeply conditioned to believe they are not worthy of something that is consistent, safe, peaceful, and harmonious because those are qualities in others, such as parental figures or family members that were likely never modeled. And most are entirely blind to it. Everyone has a type.

Many also know they have a type that is wrong for them. Right in a toxic sea of wrong. For example, many have this ideology that all men are cheaters and liars. That between the choice of your type and someone you know is right for you, most will spin the bottle toward the familiar choice. In this sense, you have confused having a type with negative conditioning , and online dating is deeper exposure to that. I waited weeks before simply exchanging numbers and setting a date to meet.

I even had guys message me, and right off the bat ask to meet for coffee, give me their number, or ask for mine prior to me even responding. You may have to read between the lines to catch those who are content having you in their carousel, but insincerity and inauthenticity usually crack fairly easily. Granted, impatience may work for some. But in the big scheme of things putting all your eggs into one basket can backfire, and this can leave you 10 steps behind where you were when you started.

Again when considering initial impressions, if you are too vague, private, and evasive it can be perceived differently than you intend. Revealing too little can suggest that you are resistant, closed off, and distrusting of the online process or dating in general. I dated online collectively for over F O U R years. Absolutely — many times.

I took much-needed breaks for my mental well being, and simply when times in my life got hectic with my job, school, or heartache , but I never said,. Dating is not a sprint — like any relationship and even marriage — which is no different online. Yet it was supposed to be easy and effortless through vulnerability and wide exposure. Your mental health and well-being comes first — always, always — but dating online is also not something you jump on and off of repetitively out of failure, disappointment, and frustration.

Is it a weird concept to grasp that you have the ability to carry over negative energy, learned patterns, and behaviors from one person to another?

This was me once , and I noticed the pattern as I quickly bounced from one person to the next. I was also still very young, impressionable and thought I was invincible that it was everyone else who needed to change. This all never truly surfaced for me until nearly 10 years later. In time I learned my relationships were mirroring my upbringing and dysfunction from family relationships as well as my social environment. So as difficult as this may be to hear like it was for me at 19 … regardless of who is the cause for your pain, healing is still your responsibility.

I talked with more people than I met in person, and with good reason. And I did this by following my gut. By leading with my instincts I was able to see more clearly. I had the ability to weed through those with negative intentions and apprehend any red flags without a second thought or doubt.

person who approached me anything. Protecting my peace and safety was priority. Countless times I had to swallow my own pride, not take things so personally and to understand that others were in the same yet different boat as me. I was called names, labeled as things, generalized as a woman and even told that I needed all the luck in the world if I ever wanted to find someone who would Love me. Laugh it off knowing that person would have it handed to them one day.

I had to learn and understand that sometimes when life throws obstacles your way, the only way out is through.

This also means that whatever we do have will never be enough. In the online dating world, that mentality can leave you stuck in the same place on repeat. The basic ingredients for love As demonstrated by studies on interpersonal attraction, creating and maintaining love involves validating communications between the partners on a variety of issues, including understanding and concern for the partner's personal and emotional needs, developing companionship, physical attractiveness, cultivating and nurturing physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well beings, respecting, supporting, forgiving , accepting and encouraging, expressions of appreciation and affection: sexual pleasure and fidelity, commitment, shared activities, as well as the absence of controlling, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and blaming, among other factors.

To accomplish the above tasks, the partners need to engage in the meaningful interactions face-to-face interactions, including both verbal and nonverbal communications , which allow one person to give to and receive from the other. Although online daters may be able to exchange messages after they pass each other's initial screening on the basis of evaluating the category-based information, the process is the opposite of the interaction-based attraction.

The meaningful interactions depend on two factors: 1 the right opportunities the right time, place, persons, and further communications and, 2 the right mind absence of biases about the self and others. The right opportunities are significant. Although psychological research on attraction has identified several variables, such as disclosure reciprocity revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others , mutual eye gazing, mutual reward, similarity and physical attractiveness, these variables are worthless unless people who possess the attributes and tendencies have the opportunities to implement them to the targets of attraction.

On the other hand, the right mind is more important factor. Why have some individuals who have encountered good opportunities of meeting their ideal mates lost the chances to develop the desired relationships? The answer is that mostly they have the dysfunctional mind, with the emotional baggage of fear , anxiety or other mental conflicts and past hurts in interpersonal situations. They fear experiencing invalidation from the target of attraction because they use superficial categories to define the self and others as well as to predict the effectiveness of their possible relationships, ignoring the affection messages from the real people who are attracted them.

All categories are just the maps or substitutes of social reality, not the reality itself. When people use categories to predict an interaction but not pay attention to the other's real communications, they will produce two outcomes: a , avoiding love from right individuals, and, b approaching the wrong person s. This kind of distorted cognitions can only be rectified through the regular and meaningful interactions, which help individuals find out that they are worthy others' love and appreciation.

It is clear that online dating has at least two problems. First, it is an opposite of face-to -face interaction. Second, it does not help heal the emotional pains of some online daters.

Online dating is a category-based, rather than an interaction-based process. In the category-based process, one uses some concepts to predict both possibilities of acceptance and rejection by the others.

It is an artificial type because both rejection and acceptance by the daters are not about the rejection and acceptance of real persons, but of the imagined or perceived attributes of their categories. People never fall in love with categories even eHarmony's use of personality traits as the basis of matching does not represent real diverse human experiences and characteristics , because only real interpersonal process can create the feeling of love.

Love is created and maintained by the process of meaningful communications including validating accurate perceptions and invalidating inaccurate perceptions of interpersonal reality. Online dating cannot do so. Additionally, love is highly individualistically based. One loves another person because the Mr. Right or Ms. Right is unique individual in one's eyes.

Key Sun, Ph. He has taught at Central Washington University and Bastyr University. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are. Key Sun Ph. The Justice and Responsibility League. Relationships Why Online Dating Is a Poor Way to Find Love Why Online Dating Is a Poor Way to Find Love Posted July 29, Share.

Home » Why Is Online Dating So Hard for Guys? It seems like the ladies have it much easier and online dating for guys is much harder. Yes, online dating is harder for guys. Remember, in the heterosexual dating community, for every girl that has success dating online, there has to be a guy that is also having success.

The number one cause of online dating frustration with men comes from them using the wrong dating sites. If you need some direction, here are a few of our favorites that are perfect for making online dating a little easier.

Another reason that online dating may seem harder for men is based on your expectations. Generally, the types of women you have had success with in the in-person realm will be similar to the women you have success within the online realm. The one major difference is that online dating sites make it way easier to approach women and start a conversation.

This is where a lot of men feel like they have more success because that aspect is a lot easier. Additionally, finding someone special can take time. Maybe she is in a busy season of life and is taking a short break? Maybe the master plan for your life is going to take a little longer to develop?

Remember, you are not shopping for a new belt or a new pair of shoes. Be okay with that taking a little longer. Speaking of the unrealistic expectations, a lot of men think that all they have to do is sign up for an account, fill in the bare minimum on their profile, and the women will start falling from the trees. You have to be willing to put in the work and the effort to find that special lady.

And yes, you may have to put in more work and effort than the ladies, which certainly makes online dating harder for guys. Here are a few resources to help you out. Two of the most important things you can do are have an amazing online dating profile and have great photos of you. Sheer logistics are not working in your favor as a man dating online. While as men we might get a few messages a week, women often are getting hundreds of messages a day! Again, this is why have realistic expectations and patience are key to success in online dating for men.

The main reason that women get so many more messages in online dating is because traditionally men are the ones expected to take the lead. What this means is that instead of reading through a bunch of messages to find a girl you like, you have to craft witty and unique messages over and over again in hopes that a girl will read your message and be interested. Research Online Dating Usage Study Marriage and Divorce Rate Trends Best Cities for Singles Online Dating by the Numbers Best Dating Apps Articles Anniversary Gifts Beginner Dating Advice General Dating Advice First Date Advice Religious Dating Advice Single Parent Dating Site Bios and Features Resources Reviews All Reviews Catholic Match Christian Mingle eHarmony Elite Singles JDate SilverSingles The League Zoosk Free Trials All Free Trials Catholic Match Christian Mingle eHarmony Elite Singles JDate SilverSingles The League Zoosk Costs All Costs Catholic Match Christian Mingle eHarmony Elite Singles JDate SilverSingles The League Zoosk Other Relationship Butler Dating Site Comparisons Where to Meet Singles — By City How We Rank — Review Criteria About Get Our Free Newsletter About Our Team Blog Privacy Policy TOS and Cookies Contact Us Get Updates.

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Back Today. As arrogant as it sounds, I thought that as soon as my profile went active I would have the rush of winks, likes and messages just come streaming in to no end. This is why so many go in, trek through and come out with their guard up in and out of relationships. Online dating revolutionized the way people connect with each other, opening up new avenues for finding romantic love -- and of course, bringing with it a whole host of new DatingFails. I even had guys message me, and right off the bat ask to meet for coffee, give me their number, or ask for mine prior to me even responding. You Can Probably Walk Miles In These 30 Pairs of Comfy Shoes. What's Hot.

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